Ideas, testimonials and personal statements regarding spirituality, awakening of faith and aspiration to an ideal life; positive thinking and spiritual healing through yoga, defending spirituality in our present society.
The following text is an adaptation of an essay that has been published on the internet. Its beauty lies in its splendid description of the game between Shiva and Shakti, between the feminine and the masculine. It may well be regarded as a story between either a man and a woman, or between the masculine and feminine sides of one single human being. The story speaks both to the superior mind and to the heart, and is a very good subject for meditation. In a state of contemplation we open ourselves towards higher aspects, revealed to us effortlessly in our own inner world, in an attitude of embracing rather than through a separating analysis. In a state of contemplation, we allow mysteries to reveal themselves to us, without looking for explanations or interfering to adjust the reality to what we believe it should be. In a state of contemplation, we let our heart speak in its own language and we listen silently to this gentle yet fascinating voice. It is a state impregnated with mystery and hidden meanings which we have an intuition about, but do not try to use our mind to separate them from their natural context. Reasoning finds no place in contemplation, and this allows us to ecstatically unveil secrets that otherwise would have been impossible to find in the maze of our logical mind.
You are invited to contemplate this story of deep spiritual meaning, revealing to us a part of the tantric path, which would have otherwise remained concealed behind the walls of spiritual initiation available to very few. This way, even the ones who are just starting on the tantric path can easily go beyond the limits of the ordinary world and enter into a sacred realm where the spiritual vision becomes an objective reality and what was seen before as an objective reality turns out to be just a projection of our mind.
Drops of love is a new chapter where I want to share with you beautiful quotations, inspirations and feelings.
I invite you all to post your heart’s contributions to make here a place for the soul to blossom.
I was inspired to write the following poem by the wonderful manifestation of Shakti in all the women who participated in the Summer Tantra Camp 2009 in Denmark.
“Schmollum” brought in the “orcs” and the involvement of the “all seeing eye” starts to appear clearer.
YOU CAN FIND MORE INFORMATION REGARDING THE BHOGA CASE ON BHOGA PAGE HERE
After we made the invitation for Kim to live in one of NATHA’s ashrams, after I wrote to Kim, Celia and Karsten (K&C&K) on this blog in the hope they are still realizing the need for an open dialogue, after I made the announcement that I will keep a lecture in NATHA about the whole situation created by the ‘micro’ group of ridiculous “enemies” of NATHA, the incredible happened – on 4th of July: extreme violence broke out in Bhoga and some of our friends were beaten until they needed serious medical attention! Some confused “orcs” lead by the even more confused Kim Schmock attacked them. You can read the below article from NATHA.DK to get the whole story from the eye witnesses of the event, here I will only underline some of the most striking elements:
That K&C&K began this campaign is clear (at least at the surface) for everyone (there are some underground elements that will be shown later). But what we can see and we have to give a firm WARNING about now is the fact that the things are going too far and they are SELF – SUPPORTED!!!
These people (K&C&K) were not in conflict with the school in any way and never in conflict with their friends around. The only disagreement was between Kim and NATHA regarding the ownership of BHOGA but that is a subject of a court-file. Until the court-file will finish everyone is waiting. No one ever attacked K&C&K in any way and the recent media attacks from their side were only their initiative. In other words “they are taking speed by themselves”, without anyone from NATHA pushing them in anyway. The things do not stop there; Celia and Karsten are actively contacting people and spreading gossip and all kinds of strange rumors about the school in a strange effort to convince some people how bad we are etc… In the same line, Kim attacks the Bhoga community for THE SECOND TIME in the last few months. The last time was a warming up for what was now a full scale violent raid (like in movies.) All together these elements illustrate that K&C&K are themselves following a strange pattern of rising the level of their violence (of course in their specific way). As they are getting some support and complicity from some authorities making their actions even worse!
AS A RESULT OF THE CAMPAIGN FROM JP, THE VIOLENCE IS SPREADING AGAINST SOME TEACHERS AND STUDENTS OF NATHA! Last week one of my friends and a teacher in NATHA was subjected to aggression in her own home – by a person that came from the street after reading the articles in JP!!
Kim and his “orcs” were supported and even protected this weekend by some local police with preconceived ideas that were created by the articles in JP. They were under the strange command of an invisible officer and they practically aggressed the victims!!! Saying that someone in all this is connected with the “all seeing eye” is not only an analogy with the famous book of Tolkien for the one who is an initiate.
The questions that I want to put openly are: WHAT IS NEXT??? Is it not clear that this is already a “death race”? How long until the responsible authorities will take some measures to stop these people before they create even more damage?
Here are the recent events and I look forward this time for your opinions and suggestions:
(THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE IS TAKEN FROM NATHA.NET)
Kim Schmock goes over the edge – and the police still do nothing
Saturday the 4th of July started out as a lovely sunny day, but it turned out to be a day unleashing violence and law-breaking against the peaceful residents of Bhoga.
On that day, Hans and Mariah (two of the residents of Bhoga – a farm house in Vejby) were enjoying the warm weather in the farm, together with one of their friends, Martin, who had come to visit. All three are yoga teachers from Natha Yogacenter. A few other friends who had stopped by for lunch were at the beach a few miles away. In that peaceful atmosphere, the worries of the constant harassment by Kim Schmock seemed far away.
It has been difficult times for the residents of Bhoga. On the 10th of March this year, Kim Schmock broke into the house with two other men, took all of the residents things out of the house and changed the locks, locking the legal tenants out. Much of the private belongings were damaged, doors were broken, and several objects were missing, including thousands of Danish crowns, legal documents and private bank papers. When the occupants tried to move back in, Kim tried to stop them with force. Eventually, the police arrived and after reading the court’s decision on the case of the residents of Bhoga, they installed the tenants back in and forced Kim to leave. Since then, Kim has been coming often to Bhoga, lurking around the house, watching through the windows and harassing the inhabitants who became increasingly scared of violence from him. The police has not done much, saying that they will speak with him, and that if he comes back again they will take action, but those proved to be empty promises and in the end lies.
Back to that Saturday – it seemed like the perfect summer day of relaxation for the residents of Bhoga, but the quiet was all too short-lived. At around 17:30, a gang of 7 drunk, tattoo covered men carrying iron bars and lead by Kim Schmock arrived at the house. The gang began breaking through one of the windows with a crow-bar. Hans and Martin came outside to speak with Kim but were violently beaten by the hooligans who were being instigated by Kim. Martin tried to film the attackers, but then he was attacked again by the men, under Kim’s orders, being strangled, dragged on the floor, beaten in the head, almost breaking his right arm and leg. The camera was pried from his hands by the assailants, damaged and the tape was destroyed. One of the men chased Martin with an iron bar threatening to kill him.
The gang broke in through the window and invaded the house, where Mariah was left alone and unprotected in front of the aggression of Kim and his bullies. Kim ordered his crew to break all the locks from the doors, and when Hans and Martin try to prevent that, they were attacked again.
Just as Martin and Hans were beaten by the hooligans, supervised by Kim, the police arrived at the scene and the violence stopped. To the residents’ shock and surprise, the police are not willing to do anything to punish the attackers or to protect the inhabitants from further aggression. No complaints are filed, Kim and his gang are allowed to stay, and the police find it sufficient to ask them to behave. The residents ask the police to at least stay and ensure that the violence doesn’t continue, but the police reply that they have to leave because ”they have more important things to do”. Thus the police leave the scene of the crime without doing anything, leaving behind a mob of 7 drunk and violent men, alone with their victims – 2 men in need of medical treatment and a woman in shock.
This decision of the police is particularly alarming on the background that for several months the inhabitants of Bhoga have been complaining about Kim’s repeated aggression and have been warning the police against him and asking for their protection, yet the police have been only stalling any action. The residents have even warned then about exactly the kind of event that happened on the July 4th , knowing Kim’s methods, and still the police have done nothing. As we can seen, the results of the passivity of the police were not late to follow. Indeed, the warnings of the residents were well-grounded. Still, even after Kim broke-in to the house along with 6 drunk men armed with iron bars, had severely beaten inhabitants and guests in the house (yoga teachers from Natha), had destroyed private property and threatened the people with death – the police did nothing to protect the life and property of the legal tenants. It is alarming to note that the level of Kim’s aggression is continuously escalating – from harassing to breaking in, to severely beating and who knows what he would have done if the police had arrived later then they did. Due to the frightful escalation of the violence of Kim, we must pertinently inquire: what are the police waiting for? What would be needed to wake them into action to fulfill their duty of protecting the people of Bhoga? Do they have to wait until there is no one left to protect? If such a terrible event comes true, the police would not be able to say that they were not warned and implored to help!
The events continue to unfold under the irresponsible decisions of some local policemen:
Luckily for the unprotected occupants of Bhoga, shortly after the police left, there arrived at the farm the friends who were at the beach – and were unaware of the situation because they had no telephone signal – as well as some friends who came urgently from Copenhagen after hearing about the events. Kim’s gang of troublemakers began to leave the premises, leaving behind them a large pile of empty cider-cans and a vandalized house with no locks and several broken doors. Now Hans and Martin could finally be rushed to the hospital by one of the visitors, and the rest of the guests were comforting Mariah and fixing the doors and locks, shutting the entrances to the house to prevent the danger of the attackers returning. As it turned out, Kim Schmock was still around the house and tried to force his way back in, at some point even attacking one of the guests with a screw-driver and hurting his thigh. Yet the people at the farm, who were now Mariah’s only defense against this psychopath, acted without any violence, not raising a hand in attack even when they were attacked.
In a typical display of psychopathic behavior, Kim calls the police and complains that he is being attacked. The friends of the residents are left with their jaws dropped at this display of treachery, yet they had the faith that the police will easily discern the reality. No one expected what was to follow.
The police arrive promptly at the house and their leader did not seem interested at all to talk with the residents, speaking only with Kim. On the other hand they are aggressive to the friends of the residents, shouting at them. One policeman, when observing that he is being filmed by one of the guests accompanying Mariah, a Jewish tourist from Israel, shouts at him aggressively, even though the tourist explained that he doesn’t understand Danish. The policeman tried to snatch the camera away from him by force, and then grabbed him violently by the neck and hand and pushed him out of the premises, even though the tourist did not resist. All this was done without offering any explanation.
When the police entered the house they shouted and cursed at the guests inside – several times calling them ‘idiots’ and ‘stupid’. They sprayed two of them in the eyes with pepper-spray and threw all the guests out of the house, even though they did not show any violence or commit any offense.
The hopes of the shocked residents of Bhoga that the police would protect them against the aggression of Kim were finally shattered when the police announced their decision: Kim may stay in the house, while all the guests must leave under threat of imprisonment. This decision contradicted the court ruling that only the residents are allowed to live in the house while Kim has no right to stay. It was also in contradiction to the police decision from the 11th of March to send Kim away. It was in violation of the police promises to act against Kim if he disturbs the residents again. This decision was also not consistent with the attitude of the police earlier that day, when they refused to send Kim’s crew of hooligans away after they had broken into the house and had beaten the people inside. The decision of the police was even more outrageous, considering the fact it meant that they were leaving an unprotected woman alone in the house with a psychopathic man who has spent the last months harassing her and who has just put her boyfriend in the hospital. The police were sending away the only people who could protect the frightened woman, leaving her to be alone with her attacker during the night, hundreds of meters away from the next house. We must ask – is this the way the police is protecting civilians from violence? If any harm came to Mariah, or any other inhabitant of Bhoga, wouldn’t the police be held responsible?
Something must be done. We appeal to the police not to abandon the legal residents of Bhoga and to take action to protect them from the escalating violence of Kim. How far will he be allowed to go with his attacks? The writing is on the wall!
At the same time, one cannot ignore the responsibility of the news-paper Jyllands Posten for creating the conditions for this outburst of violence. The paper’s ruthless and organized campaign against Natha Yoga center, it’s deliberate attempt to create a hostile public opinion against members of the school – these were elements which encouraged Kim to lead this flagrant attack, believing that now the rights and lives of Natha’s yogis are forfeit. It is clear that this brutality is a result of the planned campaign carried out by JP and under the instructions of certain elements that will soon be revealed.
It is interesting to point out that JP quoted Kim in their articles (as being one of the so-called ”ex-members of the school”) without mentioning at all his violent history and his personal interest concerning Bhoga. In doing so, JP showed similarities with the police who were also so ready to support Kim’s claims which were not supported by any proof, while totally ignoring his obvious psychopathic pattern and violent actions and refusing to listen to the other side. One may ask, why is it that in their desperate campaign to manipulate anything they can to defame Natha, JP did not also raise the subject of Bhoga (who’s ownership is currently the subject of a trial between Natha Yoga center and Kim Schmock)? Perhaps they left this issue out of the campaign so far because they knew that there were other plans being prepared for Bhoga.
It is also significant that the rampage of the 4th of July took place only 5 days after Natha announced on it’s official site www.natha.dk that Mihai Stoian, the school’s coordinating teacher, will keep a special lecture on the 16th of August, in which he will disclose some mechanisms of this media campaign and certain elements about the ones behind it. Obviously, someone does not want this information to reach the public!
The events which are unfolding testify that those who are running the campaign against Natha from the shadows wish to keep the lowest profile possible while in the same time perpetrating as many offenses as possible against the school. To their demise, their actions expose them to the light.
Nota Bene: We have received information that Kim is planning to make a false complaint to the police that the residents of Bhoga or their friends have supposedly beaten him, and to support this lie he is willing to stage his own injuries. From such a psychopath, behavior like this doesn’t surprise us.
I published this article sometime ago in Yoga Magazine issue number 66 year 2007.
In the current climate, it seems that the issues from this article are very significant for Natha. Many of the school’s students have reached an advanced level of practise and experience on the spiritual path and the tests they now face exceed the normal limits of the tests of a beginner. Some of the recent events may appear strange to those who are unfamiliar with the specific problems of an advanced practitioner.
I hope these notions will shed light upon the infinite mechanisms that can generate such events. For those who want to better understand these complex events, please also read the article Judas heritage…
Enjoy….
The tests that mark our spiritual evolution on the path of self becoming are inevitable. It is said that even Jesus experienced them, therefore all of us have spiritual tests. However, we usually hear about situations that test the beginner aspirants and we rarely hear about the tests of those who have been walking the spiritual path for some time.
The regression of the apprentice,the occultation of the teacher
Tests that appear in the first stages are much more obvious and they affect many practitioners, selecting those who are truly ready to continue. A discussion about such tests is generally better understood because it refers to the beginning stages, which are widely accessible. Nevertheless, the spiritual tests of aspirants with experience on the spiritual path are just as interesting. Due to the fact that they appear in more advanced stages of practice, they are subtler and more difficult to decode.
“When the disciple is ready, the master appears,” is a saying for those who’ve begun their inner evolution and sometimes express their worry about the way they will be guided further. Triumph over the first subtle tests represents the criteria upon which the aspirants’ selection is based. Therefore, the master only appears to those who have succeeded, as confirmation that they have passed the test and are ready for the next stages. For a while, everything flows within the new frame, the aspirant learns to see things from a new perspective and discovers the value of the truth of this expression, but its reverse can equally manifest: when the disciple fails some major spiritual tests, he regresses; therefore, he stops being ready and the master “disappears”, becoming occult. Of course, this is not only about concretely withdrawing from the life of the aspirant, due to an “apparently objective” situation (he either leaves the physical level, or he moves to another city or another country, or he is stopped from seeing his disciples). The most frequent situation is the one in which he is close to the aspirants, but some of them begin to regress and, by completely changing their point of view, they can no longer perceive him as a master.
The disciple sees differently, the master is the same
This bizarre phenomenon of “becoming occult”, which is specific to the spiritual teacher, is only due to the fact that the aspirant completely changes his inner point of view, and it is not because the master has changed. The one who is in such a dramatic situation begins to make strange and mean projections, he begins to find all kind of unreal justifications and he says that “the master is not as he was in the beginning”, even if – paradoxically – the master proves to be the same for the others, giving them the same divine help and being the same unpredictable enemy of the ego, when necessary.
How does such a distortion of the perception take place? A disciple who practices controlling the sexual energy, for example, will soon face serious tests in this direction. If he fails the spiritual test, he has the tendency to “lower his standards as an instinctive protective mechanism, hoping that in this way he will be protected from the risk of future disappointments. Without realizing it, the disciple narrows his inner horizon, and the master’s impulses and actions appear in another perspective – a darker and duller one. When the master gives him the impulse to mobilize all his forces in order to succeed to control the sexual energies, the aspirant will be less enthusiastic, he will even be ironic or joke about these impulses, sometimes manifesting impertinence or even a de-transfigurative familiarity. If the master advises him to let go of prejudices and enjoy lovemaking with his lover in order to develop control over the sexual energy, the aspirant may have the impression that he is pushed and forced towards something he no longer values, therefore he may consider that the action of the spiritual guide is an exaggeration, an intrusion into his personal life.
There is a risk for all of these aspects to appear as a result of the regression that follows the failed spiritual test. The aspirant no longer understands the importance of re-using sexual energy on the spiritual path and he now looks at things from a more “relaxed” point of view, imagining that the systematic use of the sexual energies on the path of transmutation and sublimation is a secondary, optional choice. Another example is that of a disciple who wants to explore the secrets of meditation. In the beginning he makes a daily effort, inspired also by the master’s words and by the example he gives. After a while he becomes looser and stops practicing so intensively, even if his spiritual results do not give him the right to slow down. Now he is tempted to give greater importance to some common aspects of life which he previously considered ephemeral. If in such a moment he has the possibility to choose between spiritual practice and a certain tempting social position that offers him financial satisfaction, but takes away all his time and energy, it is almost certain he will choose the social position.
Tricked by the vision which has once again become profane, the aspirant chooses the social position, convinced that after he makes a career and a bank account he will also find time for meditation. After failing this test, the aspirant considers that his action was correct and he imagines that his master’s advice regarding detachment from material aspects of life are strange and exaggerated. This is why he can even begin to intensely criticize some of his spiritual guide’s advice and also to convince others to act as he did. This attitude makes him go even deeper into the mistake marked by failing that spiritual test. In such a situation, the distance between aspirant and spiritual guide increases more and more, without any changes in the attitude of the master.
Playing the statue
For the advanced practitioners, one of the most difficult tests is that of their position and importance on the spiritual path. As one advances in his acquiring of knowledge, part of the spiritual training of a disciple is to share this knowledge with the practitioners from the same school of evolution. They are in the beginning, and he helps them to move on. Self-giving in order to give an impulse and to support the others offers a new depth to spiritual becoming; this is why it is embraced by most of those who reach a certain level of spiritual practice. However, in the significant and detached work through which he helps the others to evolve, a particular amplified “self-importance” can appear, in a very subtle way, without obvious signs. In this way, the spiritual ego awakens and becomes amplified. When the consciousness of self-importance is connected to strictly individual accomplishments or situations, especially very worldly ones, it can be noticed and removed more easily. However, when it is about what the aspirant does in order to serve the others spiritually, the state is insidious and it sneaks into his soul at a more subtle level and is often an important test on the path of inner perfection.
“The graveyards are full of irreplaceable people” – is a saying for those who need to understand that they are too full of themselves. When you truly do very good and important things for the others, you can easily forget that you are not the one who acts, but that God acts through you and He constantly does what is necessary. This is why advanced aspirants must be careful to apply the Karma Yoga principles with great mastership, and to practice humbleness intensely, attentively and consciously. It is not by chance that communities of monks insist on having a state of humbleness –the ally of monks and especially of those who have already had some spiritual realizations. Behind this self-importance, the germ of deviating from the spiritual path can appear very fast. How does this happen? The colleagues that the aspirant helps have the natural tendency to ‘erect a statue in his honour’. The advanced aspirant must be very lucid and avoid identifying himself with this image, in order to break that statue that they built of his image and with which he tends to identify his soul.
The disciple can consider these things as simple, harmless games, but when they crystallize as inner attitudes it is already too late because they lead to serious contradictions, big inner crises and painful errors. These mistakes are not made as a result of a lack of knowledge, but because he had already lost his inner freedom when he became the statue he was playing before.
Candle is the result of the burning flame
Another important test for advanced practitioners is that of “taking out insurance” against the reactions of the master. Any authentic spiritual guide has a crushing effect on the nature of the ego. Therefore, from the first steps on the path of inner becoming, the action of the master scares the disciples who still cling to the ego. As the transcendence of this illusory structure appears later on the path of evolution, it is possible that the aspirant will have a kind of deep subconscious terror that the master will “strike” again one day, hitting him in the core of his being, where the last piece of ego is hiding.
This is how, once he has gained a certain “importance” in the structure of the spiritual group, the aspirant will have subconscious hopes that the “gained” position will ensure him a kind of protection in front of the objective and uncompromised eye of his guide. The test he has to go through now is about the way in which he deals with the tendency to rely on his so-called illusory position to which he gives imaginary weightiness. This tendency appears because today’s society teaches us that one must prove to be useful in order to survive. The ego reacts in the same way in its desperate attempt to strengthen or even to regenerate its last pieces, after the aspirant had gradually reclaimed almost all his inner territories from of its claws.
“For the one who is still ignorant, the flame is the result of the burning candle; for the one who became wise, the candle is the result of the burning flame.” This is the test of successful individual practice. If we see things from a limited perspective, after the euphoria of the results of the beginning passes, a major inner conflict tends to appear between what we understood partially and what the master sees from a universal perspective and what he shows us with lucidity and detachment. If we do not aim to “raise” ourselves to the level at which we should be, according to the things we learned so far, it is possible to gradually lose the overview that is open to us in the first stages of the spiritual path, because we trust our master “no matter what”.
In this way, a feeling of being astray from the master appears. This feeling manifests as apparently “fair” criticism, phantasmagorical discontent, and a mean and exaggerated selectiveness towards what the master does. In this situation, his actions start to appear to increasingly lack the real divine meaning we used to perceive at the beginning of the spiritual path. Why is that? It is because now we no longer have the same vision. We live with the false impression that the flame appears now due to the candle and we consider it absurd to act upon it if we want to change the shape of the candle.
The image in the broken mirror is a distorted one
These aspects seem unimaginable for those who are in the first stages of the spiritual path (this is because in the beginning the inner vision is borrowed from the master to a great extent, and it represents part of the grace we receive in order to be able to move on). Yet, in the case of advanced aspirants who have a natural tendency to clearly understand this and to form their own spiritual vision, it is possible – if this crystallization does not take place at the highest spiritual coordinates that have been shown – that the aspirant can gradually lose contact with his master through an obvious alienation of ideas.
If the aspirant has the revelation in the beginning (transmitted by the spiritual guide) that everything in the Universe is love and he allows this new perspective to give him an impulse, it is nevertheless possible that over time he can no longer validate this understanding through personal experiences in meditation and in daily life. Scepticism, doubt, regression and various difficulties appear once again in the heart of the disciple, but now he has other “certain” perspectives and nobody sounds the alarm bells. In his subconscious, the regressing aspirant builds the conviction that not everything is quite like that, that there is not only love in the Universe and for him things become “different” and much more nuanced. He even has the tendency to be ironic, as if he is joking, about this revelation “for the beginners”; gradually, he will start to live further and further away from that principle, returning, without even noticing, to a profane vision, hidden behind the imaginary behavior of a “saint”, of a great “wise man” or even (why not) proudly claiming he is a master, (and, ridiculously enough, having the impertinence to give lessons to the spiritual guide from which he learned the little that he knows).
Even so, the master will continue to manifest in a detached manner and to apply this principle everywhere. If he interacts with the disciple and corrects him, the disciple will have the tendency to judge the actions of his spiritual guide according to his own perversity, according to abject and limited human interests, and not according to the universal principal of love, which he abandoned without noticing when he passed from the master’s direct support to the results obtained through individual practice. It is especially then that he imagines that the master acts out of certain personal interests and he interprets the master’s intention and action of correction in a distorted and mean way. This is only a part of the most famous tests that the advanced aspirants face on the spiritual path. Usually these situations are hard to understand as long as we do not have the inner point of view; they are especially hard for those who are not yet at that level of spiritual practice and realization to understand.
As I said before, laughter has the power to heal us from the excess of seriousness, from the ugly combination between self-importance and lack of self-confidence, to exorcise from us the dictatorial combination between the sense of justice for the others and the sense of self-pity, to eliminate the temptation of believing that we are too smart and that we are not exposed to mistakes even when we are criticizing others. Ultimately it is teaching us that having the last word doesn’t mean that we are right because sometimes after a good laugh there is nothing you can add.
In healthy societies people know how to laugh at the mistakes not at the people who make them, to underline the wrong attitudes of a person through a joke but not to hate the person. They use different forms of laughter to protect themselves from the insidious but ridiculous influence of the ego.
I think that we can always find room (especially in such a serious blog as this one! ) for humour and laughter.
I invite you all to participate with humour to this collection, with jokes, drawings, clips, that you consider significant for their meaning or just funny.
FROM HERE COMES THE JOKES…..
1. THE ETERNAL JOKE… WITH JOHN
(Here one of my all time favorites…)
A guy is sitting quietly in a bar drinking his carrot .juice when another guy runs into the bar and shouts to him:
“Come quick John, your car has been stolen”.
The guy at the bar jumps up, runs out the bar into the street and there he realizes: “Hey, wait a minute, I don’t have a car”. So he goes back in the bar to finish his carrot juice.
After only few minutes, another guy runs into the bar shouting at him: “John come quick, your house is on fire! You must do something.”
The guy at the bar jumps up , leaves his carrots juice and runs out the door .. once he is out on the street he is stricken by the revelation: “Hey hold on, I don’t have a house”.
So he goes back into the bar and gets himself another juice.
Soon after another comes into the bar crying and saying “ I am sorry John, I just heard your father died!”
With tears in his eyes the guy at the bar runs to the door, and when he is outside.. he realizes with amazement … “Hang on … I am not John!!!”
2. AMAZING CARICATURES!!! (on the subject of: “ridiculous “enemies” of NATHA”)
i just received some amazing caricatures from a very talented person! i will not yet reveal his name but maybe i will open a gallery with this theme (and then i will tell you his name). i think that laughing about the mistakes that were done in this campaign will help them to be understood and in the future we will avoid such situations.
here they are! THANK YOU and i hope you will send more.
1. Gollum was hunting the hobbits because he considered that they stole his property (his “precious”). he was trying all the time to make them regret having his property…. the author of the drawing is a genius! (only for those that know the bhoga case )
2. in the last month there were a lot of information coming out from the people that were initially just victims of these three people that i was calling in the end: the ridiculous “enemies” of NATHA. again this genius, collecting all the information, did this:
3. IN THE SAME DAY THE ABOVE DRAWINGS WERE PUBLISHED, SCHMOLLUM BROUGHT THE ORCS TO BHOGA ASHRAM, PROVING ONCE AGAIN THE PROPHETIC VALUE OF THESE DRAWINGS. THE ATTITUDE SHOWN BY SCHMOLLUM WAS EXACTLY THE SAME JUST MORE VIOLENT THAN THE PATHETIC CHARACTER GOLLUM. THE NEW ELEMENT IS THE “ALL SEEING EYE” THAT STARTS TO APPEAR CLEARER BEHIND THE WHOLE ACTION. HERE IS ONE MORE DRAWING FROM THE SAME AUTHOR:
A blonde is driving a sports car on a mountain road, listening to the radio at full volume while paying little attention to the road. At a point she tries to overtake a truck and by manoeuvring strangely she almost forces it off the road. The truck driver goes mad and starts to follow the sports car until he sees it in a carpark. The truck driver pulls in and asks the blonde to get out of her car. He then draws a circle on the ground, puts the blonde inside it and yells: “do not move out of the circle or you are in trouble!”.
Then the truck driver takes a knife from the truck and scratches the leather upholstered driver’s seat of the sports car. When he turns and looks at the blonde, he sees that she is smiling. His anger mounting, he runs to the truck and takes out a baseball bat. He then smashes the windscreen of the sport car, but when he looks at the blonde she is laughing. Seeing red, the truck driver takes the knife and slashes all the car’s tyres, but when he turns to the blonde she is laughing hysterically. Almost suffocating with anger the truck driver ask the blonde: “what’s the matter? Why are you laughing so much???!”. After catching her breath the blonde replies with an innocent style: “every time you turned away I was stepping out of the circle!”
It is midnight and a drunk is resting against a wall looking as though he needs to make a decision. A police car that is passing by stops and the officer says to the man:
“Where are you going?”
“I am heading to a lecture about the noxious effects of alcohol upon the health.” The drunk replies without any heart.
Exploring a deep forest, a team formed by an American, a German, a Jew and a black guy are carefully advancing through the thick vegetation. A caterpillar falls from a tree onto the American. He is immediately takes it and throws it and it lands on the German. The German carefully looks at it and decide to threw it over his shoulder and it is falls on the Jew.
The jew takes it and after a short evaluation is throws it back and it lands on the black guy. The last one takes the caterpillar and eats it.
Going further in the forest, another caterpillar falls from the tree on the american, he is throwing it on the german, the german throw it over his shoulder and the jew catch it and turning to the black is asking:
A driver is laterally hitting lightly with the car a guy that is crossing the street, after few meters the car stop and the driver shout through the window:
“The following is an excellent joke about the way some people are joining the spiritual school and stay on the path. The answer his guru gave was also brilliant. If you think you are on the spiritual path, make sure you will not end up after many years with a mind full of complaints and void of anything else!“
Four men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
“God, please give me the strength to cross the river.”
Poof! … God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed: “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river”
Poof! …. God gave him a rowing boat,strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
“God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river”
Poof! … He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, walked 1km upstream and walked across the bridge.
and the fourth one who was wise and learned from the others mistakes prayed: “God please take me across the river”
13. YOU CAN’T HIDE WHAT YOU ARE, BECAUSE WHAT YOU ARE GOES WITH YOUR ACTIONS!
There once was a blonde who was very tired of blonde jokes and insults directed at her intelligence.
So, she cut and dyed her hair, got a make-over, got in her car, and began driving around in the country.
Suddenly, she came to a herd of sheep in the road. She stopped her car and went over to the shepherd who was tending to them.”If I can guess the exact number of sheep here, will you let me have one?” she asked.
The shepherd, thinking this was a pretty safe bet, agreed. ”You have 171 sheep,” said the blonde in triumph.
Surprised, the shepherd told her to pick out a sheep of her choice.She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.She looked around for a while and finally found one that she really liked.
She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, “if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?”
The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. “You’re a blonde! Now give me back my dog.”
She picked it up and was petting it when the shepherd walked over to her and asked, “if I can guess your real hair color, will you give me my sheep back?”
The blonde thought it was only fair to let him try. “You’re a blonde! Now give me back my dog.”
“The wife of an old prisoner is very distressed and asks to have a meeting with the prison chief.
She meets the prison chief and says to him” I am very concerned about my husband, he works very hard, he is constantly tired and is hardly sleeping, I think you should give him an easier job..”
the chief replies “But mam , your husbands task is very simple , he sticks labels on bottles, would you say this is hard work?”
and she exclaims loudly, ” The old liar, he told me he is digging a tunnel…”
19. Once upon a time there was a young man that wanted to become the greatest writer. When asked to define “greatest”, he said:
I want to write things that everybody reads, things to which everybody has an emotional reaction, things that make them shout, cry, scream, struggle and torment themselves for hours…days…!
Now he works for Microsoft and he writes the error messages!
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20. IT IS BETTER TO PREVENT THAN TO ASK TOO LATE FOR HELP.
21. A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English,
nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine..
‘House’ for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa.’ ‘Pencil,’ however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’
A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class
into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer’ should be a masculine
or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:
1 No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term
memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them
on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better
model.
24. THE WOMAN’S WAY IN DEALING WITH LIFE’S PROBLEMS IS OFTEN SURPRISINGLY SIMPLE AND WISE.
THIS IS WHY SHE IS SUCH A SOURCE OF INSPIRATION. TAKE THIS FOR EXAMPLE….
A man and a woman are sitting beside each other on airplane. The woman sneezes, takes out a tissue, and gently wipes her nose and starts to shake, and then she smiles to herself and continues to read her book. A few minutes later, she sneezes again. Once more, she takes a tissue, wipes her nose and then starts to shiver and shake. A few more minutes pass before the woman sneezes and starts to shiver and shake again, this continues throughout the flight. Eventually, the man says, “I can’t help noticing that you keep sneezing and shaking. Are you OK?” “I’m so sorry if I’m disturbing you,” says the woman. “I’m suffering from a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.” “Are you taking anything for it?” he asks.
The shortest road between two points is constantly under construction.
There are three types of people: those who can count and those who cannot.
Stealing ideas from one person is called a plagiary. Stealing ideas from more people is called research.
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Women who want to be equal to men are not ambitious.
I prayed God to give me a bike, but I found out that God does not put things in your pocket. So, I stole a bike and I prayed for forgiveness.
Women will never be equal to men until they will be able to feel sexy despite the bold head and the big belly.
God alone loves stupid people. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have created so many.
We live in a society where pizza reaches a location faster then the police.
A man in love is not complete until he gets married. After that, he is finished.
You know that the world has turned upside down when the best rapper is white, the best golf player is black and the tallest basketball player in NBA is Chinese.
A new governmental study financed through European funds and lasting for a period of 10 years concluded that three quarters of Romania’s population means 75% of the population.
I intend to live forever. So far I’m in the scheme.
The psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I said I need a second opinion. He said that I am also ugly.
The bank is the place where you can borrow money as long as you prove you do not need it.
28. An American journalist interviews an old Texan, over the age of 100.
At one point the journalist asks:
“Sir, do you know that for the first time in the history USA has a colored president?”
“You must be kidding, it is impossible…”
“No, seriously”
“Come on, leave me alone, we leave in America, this is impossible!”
“Look at the news paper titles: New York Times – “Barack Obama – The first colored president at the White House”, Washington Post – “For the first time colored citizen becomes president”…
“Extraordinary … it is incredible, his owner must be very proud..”.
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29. “Business Time”
This video shows the brilliant way in which couple relationships can end up when a couple doesn’t know anything about sexual continence, and when the polarity disappears and routine comes in they don’t know how to counterbalance this….
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30. There were some children queuing for their lunch in the canteen of a Catholic School.
A pile of apples was placed on a table with the following message written by the nuns:
“Only take one apple each, God is watching you!”.
At the other side of the table there was a pile of chocolate. One of the kids wrote:
“Take as much chocolate as you like, God is watching the apples!”
32. A cruise liner was approaching a remote island, the passengers were startled to see a bearded, half naked, bare footed guy jumping up and down on the beach waving his arms in the air..
A passenger asked the capain “What on earth is wrong with that guy?”
And the captain answers “I have not got a clue, but he goes crazy everytime we pass by here” .
33. The son of a sheik was studying in Bucharest. When his parents asked him how he felt, he said that he was generally good, but felt embarrassed arriving at school in his Mercedes 500, when he sees his teacher arriving in a tram.
After a few days he received a 1 million dollars cheque and a telegram: “Don’t ruin our family name! Get yourself a tram also!…”
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, “I’ve kidnapped you.”
She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde.”
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree.
The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”
37. A new supermarket is opening in the forest. All the animals cue over night excitedly waiting for it to open.
Suddenly a little rabbit shows up and wants to get to the front of the cue .. he says politely “Excuse me, can i please pass”
The bear growls angrily and says “No you may not , we have been waiting here all night ” He promptly picks the rabbit up by his ears and throws him to the back of the cue…
The rabbit bruised and dazed stands up and tries again to get through the crowd of animals.. When the wolf sees the rabbit , he goes crazy and says “ Who do you think you are? “ and kicks the rabbits butt, so he flies to the back of the cue…
But again the rabbit gets up and persistently tries to make his way through..
When the fox sees him he is very angry and pushes him so he rolls down the hill…
Then, the rabbit, full of bruises and very upset, stands up and starts shouting:
“That’s it, I am fed up and very upset and I will not be opening the shop today!”
38. Moses, Jesus and an old man were playing golf. It’s Moses turn first, he hits the ball and it lands in a lake. Seeing this Moses hits the ground with his staff and miraculously the water parts, he walks in and hits the ball again, it rolls into the hole.
Next it’s Jesus’s turn. He hits the ball, the balls flies in the air almost landing in the lake. Before it falls the ball slows down and Jesus walks quickly over the water, he hits the ball again and he scores.
Now it is the old mans turn. He hits the ball very relaxed, paying little attention. The ball falls into the lake and a frog eats it. A big stork picks the frog up in his beak and flies away. Immediately a hunter shoots the stork , who falls to the ground, dropping the frog and the ball rolls nicely into the hole.
Seeing this Moses turns to Jesus quite annoyed and says: “That’s it I had enough, I am not playing golf with your father ever again!”
After getting all of his luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
“Excuse me, your Eminence, “says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protests the driver.
”Oh please. It would make me very happy.”
The driver didn’t want to disappoint the Pope, so he climbed in the back of the car and let the Pope take the steering wheel!
However on exiting the airport, with a wide grin on his face the Pope accelerates the car and quickly goes well above the speed limit to one hundred and eighty kilometers per hour.
The driver is very nervous and pleads with the Pope to slow down.
Within minutes they hear the police sirens.
“Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license,” moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the policeman approaches, but the policeman takes one look at him, and returns to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
“I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the policeman tells him that he’s stopped a limo going at one hundred and eighty kilometers per hour.
“So bust him,” said the Chief.
“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,” said the policeman.
Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!”
“No, I mean really important,”
The Chief then asked, “Who is it, the Mayor?”
Policeman: “Bigger.”
Chief: “Governor?”
Policeman: “Bigger.”
“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”
Policeman: “I think it’s God!”
Chief: “What makes you think it’s God?”
Policeman: “Well, he’s got the Pope as His chauffeur!!”
40. Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boy’s mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8-year-old first thing in the morning, and the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, “Do you know where God is, son?”
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, “Where is God?!”
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD?!”
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, “What happened?”
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, “We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think we did it!”
42. A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat
down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter
reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on
the table. The diner was impressed.
“Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?”
The waiter replied, “Yes. Ever since we had that efficiency consultant
out; he determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the
table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen.”
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented,
“Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging
from your fly?”
The waiter replied, “Yes, we all do. Seems that the same consultant
determined that we spend too much time washing our hands after using the
men’s room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I
need to go, I simply pull the string, go, and return to work. Having
never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of
time.”
“Wait a minute,” said the diner, “how do you get your penis back in your
pants?”
“Well, I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoon.”
43. In the middle of the jungle a man takes out his violin and starts to play the most divine music, and one by one the wild animals are drawn to the divine melodies… the lions are the last to hear and slowly they move towards the man after circulating around him they sit down in perfect peace and stillness enraptured by the beauty…after a while the oldest lion of the pack arrives and he promptly eats the violinist.. On a branch nearby two eagles are speaking .. “I told you that the music would end when the deaf lion arrives!!!”
44. A guy is arrested and taken to the police station for selling ‘the elixir of immortality’ . His charges were ‘fraud and deception’ and his punishment was more severe because he was a known re offender – he had committed the same crimes in 1794, 1856, 1928 2009….
45. I woman goes to her priest and says to him ” I have just bought two parrots, they used to live in a brothel and all they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’”
“That is a problem,” the priest says, “but I have a solution!”
I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will transform quickly in their presence.”
The next day, the woman takes her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in the same cage as the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying.
“Hi, we’re prostitutes.” say the females. “Do you want to have some fun?”
The parrots look at one another and start to squawk!! “Thank God!! Our prayers have been answered at last!!!!”
46. Jim a young Scottish lad decides to have a change of scenery and moves to LA, he rents a room in an apartment block.After a few months he speaks to his mother on the phone , and she asks him how he is and if he has made any friends… Jim tells her he is very well, but he has some very strange neighbors.. The guy next door is constantly banging his head on the wall, the woman the other side is screaming all day and the guy above gets into fits of temper and stamps his feet on the floor so much that he makes the ceiling and light fittings shake. His mother is very worried and says “Oh Jim, with people like that around you better keep out of their way!” He replies ” Don’t worry about me Ma, I stay in doors all day and I try to ignore them by playing my bag pipes!”
47. A man goes into a bookstore, and asks where he can find the book titled “The superiority of the man over the woman”.
The bookseller told him to search for it on the top floor of the store, and to look under the utopia or science fiction section.
48. THE TYPICAL CHAIN OF RESPONSIBILITY IN A KARMA YOGA TEAM! 1. What went wrong? This is the story of four people: Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody’s got angry, because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody thought that Somebody would do it
But Nobody asked Anybody.
It ended up that the job wasn’t done, and Everybody blamed Somebody,
when actually Nobody asked Anybody!
49. A student comes to a young professor’s office hours.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
‘I would do anything to pass this exam.’
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
‘I mean…’ she whispers, ‘…I would do…
**anything**!!!’
He returns her gaze. ‘Anything???’
‘Yes,… Anything!!!’
His voice turns to a whisper. ‘Would you…… study???’
50. A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and asmile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”
52. Little Janice was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me Janice, who created the universe?” When Janice didn’t stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good” and Janice fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Janice, “Who is our Lord and Saviour.” But, Janice didn’t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Janice and the teacher said, “Very good,” and Janice fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Janice a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?” and again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Janice jumped up and shouted, “If you stick me with that thing one more time, I’ll break it in half and stick it up your ass!”
A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an ‘exotic’ pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of live frogs.
The sign says:
“SEX FROGS”
Only $20 each!
Comes with ‘complete’ instructions.
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, “I’ll TAKE one!”
As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, “Just follow the instructions!
The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does EXACTLY what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . . NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have any problems or questions … please call the pet store.”
So, she calls the pet store. The man says, “I’ll be right over.”
Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!”
The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares ‘directly into its eyes’ and STERNLY says:
“LISTEN TO ME!!
I’m only going to show you how to do this ONE .. MORE … TIME!!!”
54. This joke illustrates the law of relativity in …. real life.
Banta Singh walks into a bar in London, orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.
The bartender asks him, “You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time.”
Banta Singh replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai , the other in Canada and I’m here in London . When they left home, we promised that we’ll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.”
The bartender admits this is a nice custom and leaves it there.
Banta Singh became a regular in the bar and would always drink the same way. He’d order 3 Beers and drink them in turn.
One day, he came in and ordered only 2 Beers. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bar tender says,” I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss.”
Banta Singh looked confused for a moment, and then he laughs…. “Oh, no,”
He said, “Everyone’s fine; both my brothers are alive. The only thing is……………..
55. A virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bed room where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, ‘So, you finish?’ She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, ‘No.’
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, ‘You finish?’
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, ‘No.’ Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, ‘You finish?’
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispered in his ear, ‘No, I Norwegian.’
56. A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home, so he prayed:
“Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.”
God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a his wife, and she as him.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, fed them breakfast, taught them English and Math, put them all in the car and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, pay the bills and balance the check book.
He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1:00 p.m. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Taught the kids Science and Social Studies.
At 3:30 p.m. he dropped one child off at a scout meeting, another at soccer practice and the third at piano lessons, then went home and set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 6:30 p.m. he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9:00 p.m. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, “Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”
The Lord, in His infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine months, though…
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, ‘Mom, that lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!’
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the womens’ locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, ‘What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?’
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? ‘Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. ‘My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, ‘What did he do?’
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’ DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, ‘Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.’
‘And why not, darling?’
‘You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.’
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The ministers’ son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: ‘Glory be unto the Father, and unto the Son, and into the hole he goes.’ (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. ‘I’m just wasting my time,’ she said to her mother. ‘I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!’
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
‘Mama, look what I found,’ the boy called out.
‘What have you got there, dear?’
With astonishment in the young boys’ voice, he answered, ‘I think it’s Adams’ underwear!’
59. Once a rich man gave a big donation following this God appeared to him in a revelation. The rich man asked him if he could take some of his objects with him when he dies. God told him that it wasn’t possible to take things from this life to the afterlife. Yet our man insisted and prayed and in the end God said: “Ok, you can take one suitcase with you when you die”
After some years, when our man got sick and felt he was about to die, he filled a suitcase with gold bars and placed it close beside himself. Within a few hours he died. He found himself standing in front of the pearly gates, carrying his suitcase. At the gate the angel on duty told him that he could not past the gates with the suitcase. The man replied that he had a special agreement with God to take the suitcase with him,
The angel called for St Peter (the chief guardian of Heaven) to check this unusual request.
St Peter came and asked the man again, on hearing the story he asked to look in the case. When the man opened it St Peter exclaimed: “Paving stones? This is what you wanted to bring here???”
61. The state of innocence of the child, in comparison with the rigid minds of the grown ups…
A first-grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She had twenty four students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by six-year-olds! Their insight may surprise you.
1. Don’t change horses……….. until they stop running.
) for humour and laughter.
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DRESS-UP
